We have finished our bathroom. I don't want this, but since I am British, I obviously don't know anything about interior design, so I was rejected. On the other hand, my wife is Danish, so you can find bad interior design even with your eyes closed. 

To be fair, life in the bathroom is better. The place where we live is 120 years old and needs a little bit of cracks and wrinkles. So we agreed to use the little money we had to save to decorate the bathroom.

It's like a bathroom in the United States... Maybe we did, because it feels dishonest to call it a "bathroom". Like most bathrooms in Copenhagen, there is never a bathtub inside. It's just a room: it's more like a cabinet with a shower head. 

Of course, it is rarer to stumble upon a real bathroom in Copenhagen than to see Bigfoot. Of course, we have heard of rumors, but the evidence is scarce, and the accounts of witnesses are not reliable. Therefore, for the accuracy of the facts, we no longer have a bathroom, but a damp room. I will not lie, I am not a fan.

Wet all the ledges! If you don’t know what a wet room is, let me elaborate. You remove the blocked shower area and let the water flow to the entire floor. Eventually it will drain, but to help it move on, you can pick up one of the hand-held rubber-head car windshield wipers and bend over to wipe the water towards the drain. 

Squatting naked and pushing warm water into the sewer is a degrading experience. For a country with such a high standard of living, this feels strange. And it's disgusting. But here we are. 

Bathed in bilingualism. In other news, we are currently trying to choose where to send our son to school. He turned 6 in December, but we agreed with his kindergarten and he postponed school for one year. His bilingual status makes his Danish language unable to keep up with the speed of his monolingual peers. 

We could have thrown him to the deepest point, hoping that he could catch up quickly, but he is a sensitive boy, we think it will take a few more months to become more confident, saying that the language of his hometown will not be good. What's bad. 

Although born and raised here, it is interesting that he has a better command of English than his Danish. But obviously, when very young bilingual children are attracted to the "simplest" language, as any of us trying to learn Danish will attest, it makes a lot of sense. But we believe he will be on the right track after he goes to school.

As an expat, I must admit the luck of the flannel drawer: I do feel that finding a school here is a bit beyond my depth. I have no cultural reference point, so I have to follow a lot of my wife's intuition. International or Danish? Private or public? On the road or through the town? 

I think we are lucky to have so many choices. In the final analysis, a lot depends on his performance. As long as he can describe the difference between bathroom and wet room in two languages, I will be very happy.

British writer and performer Adrian McKinder (adrianmackinder.co.uk) and his pregnant Danish wife moved from London to Copenhagen in September 2015. He now spends all his time fighting against his fatherhood, unexpected cultural conflicts, and the struggle to become a British man abroad.

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